Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Volunteer as a Zombie Cow for the Day

I’m sure we can all agree that volunteering is a beautiful, selfless thing to do. There are so many disadvantaged groups that could benefit from a little of our time: un-stroked kittens;  elderly men with bad combovers that need held down by helping hands so they don’t undulate in the wind like seaweed; people suffering from the delusion that Jeremy Clarkson isn’t an enormous twat.

However, being a selfish bastard, I’m not going to ask you to help any of these people. I want you to serve for the charity of me. Not enough people are buying my book, which means I can’t feed my cigar, caviar and champagne habit. This is a tremendously tragic travesty, which I aim to remedy with your help.

Since Apocalypse Cow has a whiff of the B-movie about it, I plan to produce a homemade book trailer while simultaneously raising awareness of the book. How? This September, I am going to hire a panto cow outfit. I will then get some Apocalypse Cow posters pinned back and front and film the cow running wild around London and Glasgow, scaring the shit out of passers-by while I film.

So, how can you help?

1. You can volunteer to be a zombie cow or zombie cow victim for the day. The dates I am thinking of at the moment are Wednesday September 11 in Glasgow, from 11am to 5pm, and Saturday September 14 in London, from 9am-4pm. I can promise you a fun day out, credit on the film and alcoholic beverages while we run around making tits of ourselves.

2. Film yourself, your friends, your dollies, your Star Wars figure collection or your beloved hamster being attacked by a zombie animal of some variety and send the clip to me. It can be as ridiculous as you want it to be. Dialogue, scene and setting I leave entirely up to you.

3. You can send me a large sum of cash so I can hire Peter Jackson to produce the trailer for me in the style of Bad Taste or Braindead. I think his rates have gone up since those days, so be generous. I'll accept returnable bottles (as long as you haven’t jammed cigarette ends into them) and food stamps.

In case you are wondering if this is a bad joke of the kind served up in my book on every other page, it isn’t. I am perfectly serious and would very much appreciate whatever time people are willing to give up.
If you liked Apocalypse Cow and want to see more books in that vein, or if you are simply looking for some shits and giggles, drop me a line through Twitter, my Facebook author page or by email.

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