Monday, March 18, 2013

Seagal v Putin, or Why I Love Twitter


I’ve been on twitter for a long time, and as a journalist it provided an invaluable tool for getting statements and updates from official sources, and for getting a feel for what was happening on the ground in places I couldn’t visit. The recent Kenyan presidential election was great for that. It was a lot of fun listening to all the jokes being cracked at the start, and you could almost feel the tension mounting as the election body botched the announcement of results.

But that’s not why I love twitter. I love twitter because it enables you to have silly exchanges like this one imagining what would have happened had Steven Seagal and Vladimir Putin, two of the world’s most macho men, gone toe-to-toe when they recently met in Moscow. (the first tweet was from my account).

Seagal meets Putin. I think Seagal would win the fight. He can't kick above waist height any more, but Putin is short so it doesn't matter.

@MichaelLogan unless Putin puts in a sucker punch early.

@Woozie_M Nah. Seagal's scrote is protected by a woven net of spongy ball hair, which absorbs and redirects the force.

@MichaelLogan but Putin is a mastermind of war he'll find a weak spot. Like jumping to get Seagal's double chin.

@Woozie_M His double chin is so large they could lose Putin in there. It would take a rescue party 2 weeks to find him.

@MichaelLogan Not necessarily. Putin's nose always points north. I'm sure it would help him navigate his own way out

@Woozie_M Seagal would use his Kung Fu Zen to unleash an electromagnetic pulse, rendering the nose compass impotent.

@MichaelLogan not if Putin releases his fail safe: weapons of itch destruction, causing Seagal to scratch him out.

@Woozie_M Ah, but Seagal's nails are made of titanium and his skin of diamond, so scratching would cut Putin to ribbons.

Considering there was no response, I take that as victory for Seagal. Sorry, Michael Onsando!

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