Thursday, September 22, 2011

Shag a ginger and save the world

At the risk of sounding a bit like the Gingers Do Have Soulsguy, who took South Park just a little too seriously, I have to scratch my flame-haired noggin in puzzlement at the news Cryos International is notaccepting any more ginger sperm (no, that does not mean each individual sperm swimming around in the average ginger scrotum has a little tuft of red hair).

Just think of all the handsome redheaded men out there, the likes of which we will never see again if the ginger gene – already shamefaced and recessive thanks to centuries of repression – dies off:

Jimmy Somerville
Mick Hucknall
Chris Evans
Shaggy from Scooby Doo
That creepy guy from Twelve Monkeys
Philipp Seymour Hoffman
Me

Ah. Do you know what? You are spot on. Tape over the cock slot on the ginger sperm container (that is how it works, right?) and release all of the stored ginger sperm to forlornly crawl the streets to become crack whores or end it all at the bottom of a bottle.

In all seriousness, though, while there aren’t that many handsome ginger men, there are plenty of smart ginger men, as well as shed loads of hot, smart, talented and funny ginger women.

Here is a real (brief) list of what the world will be missing if the Fanta-pants contingent is frozen out by the cryogenics criminals (courtesy of this list). I’m not going to rehash all of the good-looking female film stars, as all the newspapers have done in their ‘quirky’ news pieces.

1. Margaret Sanger (1879 – 1966) – Ironically, given the situation, Sanger was one of the key early figures in mobilizing American women to push for birth control. 

2. Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965) – Yes, that’s right. Churchill, the man who helped to halt old Adolf Hitler in his tracks. Once again, a touch ironic if you consider Hitler’s attempts to create a perfect race. You would all be sporting a toothbrush moustache if it weren’t for this particular redhead. If Winston were still alive, he would ride a tank into the sperm bank, swigging from a bottle of brandy and smoking a cigar, and have a wank into the director’s eye.

3. Thomas Jefferson (1743 – 1826) – Would you like your child to grow up to be like the man who was the principal author of the Declaration of Independence? YES PLEASE! You know he was a red head, don’t you? WHAT? NO FUCKING WAY. GIVE ME SOME OF THAT REDNECK SPERM INSTEAD, ANY COLOUR BUT GINGER.

4. Antonio Vivaldi (1678 – 1741) – Why have Four Seasons when you can have just one?

5. Napoleon Bonaparte (1761 – 1829) – Admittedly, he may have killed a lot of people, but Europe would have been a lot more boring were it not for the ginger midget rampaging around.

There are many more great examples out there (and some bad ones, including members of Charles Manson’s gang and Oliver Cromwell), but the fundamental point is that the ladies should be queuing up for the fiery little ginger swimmers, not dismissing them. Do the World a favour, ladies, empty the fridges of the ginger sperm or – even better – get out there and bang a ginger. The course of human history depends upon it.

And if you need other reasons to ride a reddie, here are ten that are absolutely 100% true:

1. Fire-hoses are red because their length and girth was modelled on a ginger man's trouser hose;

2. Ginger pubes taste like Fanta, meaning you actually want to get them stuck in your teeth;

3. Ginger hair gives off a satisfying warm glow and lights up the room on a cold night, creating an instant atmosphere of romance (and on one occasion keeping 25 survivors of a plane crash alive in The Andes until help arrived);

4. Silk doesn't come from worm's bottoms, but in fact is woven from strands of pure-breed ginger mustache hair. Find a pure-breed ginger, offer him sex in return for access to his mustache, and you will have a profitable scarf business up-and-running within weeks;

5. Ginger men never pee on the toilet floor in the middle of the night, because their pubic bunch acts as a guide light for aiming;

6. When in public, you can pretend your ginger boyfriend is actually a Care in the Community project, thus making yourself look like a humanitarian and precluding the need to do any real work for your community;

7. In all seriousness, shagging a ginger nut actually is an act of human kindness, so you will get all kinds of kudos in the next life;

8. You boyfriend will likely have very good taste in hats;

9. As gingers go grey, they actually begin to turn blonde, so end up looking like Robert Redford in his golden years;

10. If you cop off with a ginger, you need never worry about infidelity, as nobody else will have him unless they have read this blog and learned the secret reasons for turning to the ginger side. Since three people (counting my mum) read this blog, you are safe as houses.

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