By Michael Logan
The US General in charge of the multinational force in Iraq on Tuesday announced that he planned to curtail the bloody conflict by creating an army cloned from John Smeaton, the baggage handler who foiled a weekend terror raid on Glasgow Airport.
“Factoring in just how hard Mr. Smeaton is, we figure we only need about 200 of him to kick f**k out of the whole country,” General David Petraeus told journalists in Baghdad’s Green Zone. “We believe that by creating an ‘Army of Smeaton’, we will be able to completely wipe out the insurgents within a month.”
Mr. Smeaton attained global attention when he was interviewed on CNN after foiling attempts by suspected terrorists to drive a burning car into the terminal building at Glasgow Airport. Early reports stated that the car missed the revolving door, but it is now apparent that the fact the car missed its target was entirely down to Mr. Smeaton.
“It was amazing,” said eyewitness Tam McPherson. “The car was coming right at him but he just booted it and it flew to the right, missing the door.”
“Then he pulled the two guys out – one in each hand – threw them forty yards into a police van without looking and them blew out the car fire with one might puff of his giant lungs,” Mr. McPherson continued.
Fan websites, including http://www.johnsmeaton.com/, have cropped up everywhere since Mr. Smeaton single-handedly saved Glasgow from certain doom and General Petraeus admitted that Internet acclaim helped make his decision.
“We were considering cloning Chuck Norris until John Smeaton came along,” he said. “For example, we had heard that were was no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. Turns out we were wrong and it was John Smeaton all the time.”
Mr. Smeaton himself played down his upcoming role in ending the world’s most high-profile conflict, but pledged to put his superhuman genetic coding at the disposal of the army.
“Look, mate. Ah’m just daien wit anybudy wid dae in ma place, know wit ah mean,” Mr. Smeaton told the New York Times. “If ah can bring aboot wurld peece by letting ma clones put the boot in tae some o they terrorists, nae f**kin’ bother.”
General Petraeus denied that the plan smacked of desperation and warned that if they did not clone Mr. Smeaton then the insurgents would attempt to do it. However, Mr. Smeaton said that any attempts by insurgents to remove his DNA would be met with extreme force.
“Tell thum tae come ahead,” he said. “Ah’ll show the basturds wit happens when they mess wi Glasgow.”