World peace erupted across the globe last Wednesday after a song by an unsigned Hungarian rapper calling for an end to war forced global leaders, terrorists and warlords to realise the error of their ways.
“I didn’t know what a fool I had been until Speak so eloquently made me see the folly of armed conflict,” US President George W. Bush said in a press conference announcing the withdrawal of all troops from Iraq and Afghanistan. “As Speak said: ‘I don’t want a war. I want a peace.’”
President Bush also acknowledged Speak’s charge that the war in Iraq was all about “bizniz”, and pledged to “force corporations who profited from the war to give all of the accumulated profits to a charity of Speak’s choosing”.
Events snowballed quickly last week after Speak’s song suddenly came to the attention of the world on YouTube (www.youtube.com/watch?v=--Vaz9jW054). From an initial 250,000 views last Wednesday, the video reached five billion hits within hours, ensuring that almost every man, woman and child on the planet was touched by the rapper’s message.
Just ten minutes after President Bush called off the war, Osama Bin Laden emerged from hiding to announce that he was thoroughly ashamed of himself.
“Speak is right: I am a bad man. Furthermore, as he requested, I will stop my plan,” Bin Laden told journalists in Blackpool, Britain, where he has successfully evaded capture for years by working as an Osama Bin Laden impersonator in a cabaret club. “I hereby announce that America is not, in fact, the Great Satan, call off all terrorist actions worldwide and invite McDonalds to contact me with a view to creating a Bin Laden Burger for sale in franchises across the Middle East.”
The Israeli government and Hamas also declared an end to all hostilities and announced a plan that would see Israel controlling disputed territories on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays while Palestine would have Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Monday was designated a common day where both nations would come together to sunbathe, eat ice cream and perhaps kick a ball about in the park.
Across Africa, warlords and rebel armies in many war-torn nations all laid down their AK-47s and machetes as Speak’s message swept across the world. “Speak has made us see that the hundreds of years of ethnic rivalry - exacerbated by the European colonisation of our continent - that has sustained the violence and led to millions of deaths was just silly,” the commander of the Sudanese Janjiweed militia, responsible for bloody massacres in Darfur, announced. “Speak has surely saved mankind from extinction. We salute him.”
Speak himself downplayed his role in creating a new world order that will see thousands of years of unbroken peace. “At best I had hoped to sell a few records so I could afford a nice house in Buda, so to have solved all of the world’s conflicts in one fell swoop is a nice bonus,” he said. “I now plan to cure cancer, conquer space and find out what really happened to Lord Lucan and Shergar.”