Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I am a big shitbag

I realise that what I'm about to say makes me sound like a big shitbag - which I guess is OK because that's what I am - but I really don't like flying. I could claim that it's the crying babies, the elbow wrestling for that single skinny armrest between the two seats or the horrible artificial atmosphere, but in reality I'm afraid of plunging screaming to my death in a huge fireball.

We had some fairly nasty turbulence on the way from Paris to Budapest on Sunday, and I have to admit I shat not just a brick, but an entire building site replete with hairy-arsed builders shouting sexual abuse at women, illegal immigrants working on dodgy scaffolding and many a wheelbarrow.

Frankly, I can do without being reminded that I am in metal bullet tearing through the sky and very much pinning my hopes on the mechanics not having forgotten to tighten that all-important bolt. I am considering starting a petition to ban turbulence, or at least to have heavy-duty sedatives available at the airplane entrance instead of newspapers.

Considering this background, imagine how I feel about having to fly Tajik airlines in September this year. I'm very much looking forward to the Habitat for Humanity house build in Tajikistan, but I suspect the building site I plopped out may well be dwarfed by the pants-kakking I will be doing on an ancient Soviet aircraft.

6 comments:

Someones uncle said...

Oh come on!! You big chicken shit! There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. If you can live happily in a Eastern European country, you can fly without fear. Besides, if anything were to happen, there would be nothing left to identify, so it spares the cost of a funeral.

Michael said...

Thank you so much for those reassuring words. I feel much better now.

Someones uncle said...

Anytime!

Nats Grant Logan said...

you need to come to Budapest and then you'll realise how unscary it is. Glasgow's scarier than this.

Someones uncle said...

"come to Budapest..." she says. I can't even visit an island 100 miles away, you want me to come a few thousand?

If only peanut butter were a valid currency...

(actually, I'm in Almaty, Kazakstan this weekend, and am heading to Moscow on one of those ancient Soviet aircraft, a Tu154 by Aeroflot. Will let you know how it goes!)

Someones uncle said...

Ok, I take it back about scary Russian airliners. The engines quit at 32,000 feet and I was able to restart them and make an emergency landing in Samara. Gotta love all those cute gauges, tho'!