The hunt for a vaccine

As a journalist working in the developing world, I often find myself writing about creaking healthcare systems, but I have never been personally affected. Until now.

My wife Natalie last week gave birth to our first child, Charlotte Elizabeth. We are lucky enough to be able to afford to got to a private hospital for the delivery, but this did not help us when it came to getting a BCG vaccine, for there were no doses available.

Kenya has the 13th-highest prevalence of Tubercolosis in the world. The WHO reported 140,000 new cases in 2008. Yet it has now been suffering a shortgage of the BCG vaccine for around three months, putting tens of thousands of infants, including my daughter, at risk.

The vaccine is now the holy grail for parents, who are scouring Nairobi looking for it. Favours are being called in and rumours exchanged via text message. Gangs of furtive parents are lurking in doorways outside hospitals and offering wads of cash to passing doctors.

I was told that a private clinic was selling it for 20 euros - shameless profiteering since the vaccine is supposed to be free in Kenya. Nonetheless, I went there ready to pay. When I asked, the receptionist appeared to glance furtively around the room and announced loudly that she had no vaccine. However, she then had me write down my name and number and said she would call if any came in. I couldn't help but wonder if she was being clandestine since they are probably selling vaccine obtained through government channels in a corrupt manner. She hasn't called yet.

I now have another lead, which I am chasing up on. I can only hope that I get there before the other parents who would no doubt elbow me over a high railing or drop kick Charlotte over a fence to make sure they got the vaccine for their child. And who can blame them?

The question has to be asked why there is no vaccine in the country when donors have been pouring money into anti-TB programmes. The answer could lie in incompetence - which would not be a great surprise to anyone who has dealt with Kenyan government officials - or the old problem of corruption. The Global Fund to Fight AIDS, TB and Malaria has in the past suspended funding to Kenya for disappearing millions of dollars intended to buy ARVs through fraudulent NGOs, and that wasn't even considered a big corruption scandal.

I have been too busy changing nappies and trying to get the vaccine for Charlotte to look into it properly yet, but it wouldn't surprise me to find that somebody is putting children at risk in order to fill their pockets.

How not to pay bribes to cops in Kenya

A few months ago, somebody told me the best way to avoid paying bribes to cops in Kenya is to be polite and waste their time, which they would rather be using to collect bribes from more cooperative people. I got the chance to try it out last week, when a cop pulled me over in Kilimani at lunchtime. The following is the abbreviated exchance, leaving out the call he took from his girfriend and attempts to gain sympathy for having a cold:

Cop: "You are displaying a duplicate insurance certificate. That is an offence in Kenya."

Me: "Oh, I'm very sorry. I just bought this car and didn't know."

Cop: "I understand, but we will have to go the police station. There will be big fine, and it will take a long time."

Me: "OK officer, no problem."

Cop: "Do you know where the Kilimani station is?"

Me: "Yes, it's just round the corner. I'll meet you there."

Cop: "Ah, no. I can't let you drive off. I will have to impound the car and we walk."

Me: "Well, jump in and I'll give you a lift. You can impound the car there."

COP CASTS FORLORN GLANCE AT OTHER, JUICY POSSIBLE BRIBES GOING PAST, BUT DECIDES TO PLAY IT OUT

Cop (IN CAR, LOOKING AT MY LICENCE, GRINS): "Ah, you have not signed your licence. That is also an offence in Kenya."

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry officer. I didn't know. We can sort it out at the station."

Cop: "That will be another fine."

(SIGNIFICANT PAUSE).

Me: "No problem."

Cop: "It will be very expensive."

Me: "Fair enough."

(CONFUSED PAUSE)

Cop: "You are a very cooperative person."

Me: "Well, I need to have respect for the laws of Kenya and the officers who uphold them."

Cop: "The fine will be at least 5,000 shillings for each offence."

(SIGNIFICANT PAUSE, ACCOMPANIED BY EVEN-MORE SIGNIFICANT LOOK)

Me: "If that is the penalty, then I will have to pay it."

(CAR IS APPROACHING POLICE STATION, COP IS LOOKING THOROUGHLY STUMPED)

Cop: "Are you sure you want to go through all the trouble?"

Me: "The law's the law."

(SILENCE, CAR ONLY 50 METRES FROM STATION)

Cop: "I tell you what, why don't I just give you a warning this time? We can just pull this off."

(COP PULLS OFF INSURANCE STICKER, WHICH IS THE EXPIRED ONE SO COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. THE CURRENT STICKER IS PERFECTLY LEGAL)

Me: "Thank you very much officer, I appreciate your kindness."

Cop: "It is no problem. You will know next time. So, where are you going now?"

Me: "I am going to the office. Do you want me to drop you back at the junction?"

Cop: "Yes, please."

(I DROP COP OFF AT JUNCTION. HE LOOKS AT THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC, READY TO POUNCE).

Kenya birth and hospital hostages

Given that my wife, Natalie, is about to pop out (well, she hopes it will be that easy) our first kid in a Nairobi hospital, I found this article from Edmund Sanders at the LA Times particularly pertinent.

Sanders talks to several woman who were held captive in Kenyan hospitals when they failed to pay their bills for giving birth. Horrible, yes, but not surprising given that public services, and not just healthcare, are dire in Kenya while ministers and MPs live the high life.

If ever a town demonstrated the worst elements of rampant capitalism and its every-man-for-themselves attitude, it is Nairobi.

We are fortunate not to be in the same position as those poor women, although I may find myself lowering Nats out of a toilet window and smuggling the baby out in a plastic bag if any of the additional items on the hospital's a-la-carte birth menu (c-section, episiotomy, vacuum removal, drugs to revive fainted husband) need to be purchased.

US anti-pirate action doesn't stand up to scrutiny

At last, the drama is over. The “scurrilous” and “ruthless” pirates are dead and the “heroic” US captain has been released.

Undoubtedly Captain Richard Phillips, who spent five days on a lifeboat being held hostage by Somali pirates, acted bravely. He gave himself up to safeguard the crew of the Maersk Alabama and even plunged into the ocean in an attempt to swim to a nearby US Navy destroyer.

What is more interesting is the media coverage portraying the pirates as ruthless – a complete misrepresentation if ever there was one. In the many years of frenetic pirate activity, there have been very few hostage deaths.

The last hostage to have been killed by pirates was a Taiwanese seaman, who died in unclear circumstances two years ago shortly after his ship was seized. Piracy experts say this was an isloated incident. Then last year, a Russian seaman died of a heart attack while he was being held hostage. Last week, the owner of French yacht was shot along with two pirates during an operation to free his boat. France has admitted he may have been killed by his rescuers. At no point has a single hostage been executed.

On the other hand, the pirates are not simple fishermen defending their coastline, as some of their defenders like to make out. After dictator Mohamed Siad Barre was ousted in 1991, many countries took advantage of the chaos to fish illegally and and dump toxic waste in Somalia waters. Piracy began as a movement among fishermen aimed at curbing these practices. Now, however, it is an industry all of its own. Young men, most of whom have few other options, join up to make easy money and the pirates are certainly not restricting themselves to fishing vessels in Somali waters.

The pirates are criminals; nothing more, nothing less.

However, portraying the pirates as dastardly murderers makes it easier to justify the US action. Supposedly President Barack Obama had given a standing order to take out the captors if Phillips' life was in danger. The on-scene commander then made a “split-second decision” that Phillips was indeed in danger, something that most newspapers have happily swallowed.

Of course, it is never possible to really know what happened from a distance, but the decision to kill does not seem to stand up to scrutiny.

Firstly, given that the pirates have never before executed a hostage, there was no precedent to suggest that this group would be prepared to kill Phillips. All previous evidence points to hostages only being in danger when rescue attempts are made. Secondly, Phillips was the pirates only hostage. Were they really going to shoot him, thus blowing their only bargaining chip and sealing their fates?

The justification is that the pirates had an AK-47 pointed at Phillips' head. Frankly, I would have been surprised if the pirates had not been pointing a gun at him, particularly given the state of play at the time. One of the pirates was on the USS Bainbridge, trying to negotiate safe passage in exchange for Phillips. If I were a pirate on the lifeboat, I would have been pointing the gun at Phillips. Generally, it is what hostage takers do. I am quite sure that was not the first time they had pointed a gun at the captain during the five-day standoff.

What seems far more likely is that, with a clear shot at all three pirates on the boat, the on-scene commander took the decision to finish the standoff rather than drag it out and possibly end up with the embarrassing scenario of three US destroyers having to allow four pirates to slink away unpunished in exchange for Phillips' freedom.

Whether this was the real order that came from the top is anybody's guess. Regardless, the attack – coupled with France's freeing of the yacht – is not good news for the 230 or so other hostages currently being held and for those that may be taken in the future.

Vice Admiral Bill Gortney, commander of U.S. Naval Forces Central Command, warned that the American operation “could escalate violence in this part of the world.” Pirate groups are already threatening to kill US and French hostages in retaliation for the two actions. This could be bluster. But the next time pirates are surrounded by warships, they may well be that little bit more nervous and far more likely to pull the trigger.

The use of force is an important tool in ending piracy off Somalia. But it should be used only when hostages' lives really are in danger. It should certainly not be used in isolation without thought for the consequences.

Tackle insecurity and poverty in Somalia, give commercial ships more defensive capability, encourage shipping companies to stop paying ransoms, and storm ships as a last resort. Only then will piracy begin to fall.

Two things

Two things:

Firstly, after a long gap due to laziness, I have had another short story published. It is called Decompression, and is on Underground Voices.

You can read it here.

Secondly, I slid a Balaton szelet into my pants on Saturday after a mid-air incident. Our plane coming back to Nairobi from Juba went out of control for a good 10 seconds - literally flying from side to side, banging around, and flying at a crazy angle. Suffice to say we all thought we were dead.

When it recovered, the pilot said we had hit the wake turbulence of another plane that crossed our path. Going by the violence of the shaking, I would say we did not miss it by much.

Still alive, though.

The five steps to becoming a Kenyan Tour Guide

Karibu! So, you want to be a tour guide? Well, the good news is that there are plenty of opportunities out there and most of the time you don’t even need to be employed at the attraction you are showing people around. You just need turn up randomly. The even better news, though, is that there is a simple Five-Step Method you can learn in only ten minutes, allowing you to start raking in those tourist dollars after lunch! This method is simple and proven, having been culled from the experience of guides out there in the workplace RIGHT NOW!

1. The first step is easy. Simply find yourself a tourist attraction - be it a stunning natural wonder, a Hindu temple or a pristine beach – and hover outside it. Don’t worry about getting a uniform, or a badge or any of that nonsense. Simply say to tourists: “I’m a tour guide. Yah.” This functions as ID. And besides, you don’t actually work there anyway.

2. Many tour guides mistakenly believe that the most important skill you need is knowledge about your chosen attraction. Wrong! We in Kenya know the most important skill is sharp elbows, which you use to thrust yourself to the front of the horde of other guides haranguing a startled looking tourist who has turned up hoping for a relaxing half hour strolling through peaceful surroundings. Also ensure you have an iron grip to clamp onto the tourist’s elbow. This will enable you to win any ensuing tug of war.

3. Don’t worry about knowing much about your attraction. Usually one fact, the more obvious the better, will suffice. For example, if you are showing guests around Fourteen Falls, the only thing you should tell them is that it is called Fourteen Falls because there are fourteen waterfalls. Then you should count them out loud, very slowly, pointing to each waterfall in turn. Other facts, such as what kind of animals live in the water, how long ago this attraction was formed and what that stinking five-foot-high mound of yellow foam collecting at the bottom of the falls is are irrelevant.

4. Remember that tourists are really, really stupid. Therefore you need to repeat everything you say many times before the idiots absorb your marvellous factoid. If there is a silence lasting any longer than three seconds, you may be tempted to think that the tourists are quietly marvelling at whatever you are showing them. This is incorrect. It is more likely that their miniscule brains are so busy trying to process the information you just imparted that they have lost the power of speech. Help them by repeating your fact. Again. And again.

For example, as we in the industry know, the most important thing people need to know about the Crocodile Farm in Mombasa is not how long crocodiles live, what chameleons eat or if that rather large and bristly insect crawling up the child’s leg is poisonous. It is whether or not each and every creature in the place is edible or inedible. So, at each stop along the tour of the aquarium and the insectarium, spideriaum or whatever it is called (just invent something), repeatedly proclaim the edibleness of the beast in question.

For example: “Lobster. Edible. Lobster. Edible. Lobster. Edible.” “Spider. Inedible. Spider. Spider. Inedible. Spider. Inedible” “Sea Urchin. Inedible. Yah. Inedible. Sea Urchin. Inedible. Sea Urchin.”

5. If somebody asks you a question about something you don’t know the answer to (and let’s be honest, this will happen a lot) it is perfectly acceptable to do any of the following:

- Pretend you don’t understand their squeaky foreign voices

- Mumble something unintelligible in response and hurry to the next attraction

- Say something, no matter how stupid. For example Q: “What kind of monkey is that?” A: “It’s a monkey monkey.” Or, alternatively, use your one fact to create a credibly answer: Q: “What kind of snake it that?” A: “Edible snake”

-Make sweeping statements: Q: “Why does that lizard have holes in its neck.” A: “It is its nature”

-Read out any signs or information cards that may be in the vicinity, even if they have nothing to do with the question asked

And that, newly graduated tour guide, is it. Now get out there and do Kenya proud!

CNN puts its foot in it

Oh dear. CNN, in an effort to spice up its report on right-wingers protesting in Belgrade against the arrest of Radovan Karadzic, cut in footage of earlier riots. In Budapest. It is so blatant, with Hungarian flags and the Budapest metro (Belgrade has no metro) on full display. CNN yanked the video from their website, but it has cropped up on youtube (watch below).



It does make you wonder how often CNN, and some of its supposedly lower-rent peers, do this kind of thing and get away with it.

Nairobi slam poetry

I went to my first slam poetry night in Nairobi on Friday. It was in one regard not too different from such nights in other countries. The poets were a mixed bag, ranging from the awful to the inspired.

What the poets all shared, though, was an energy and fire to get their political message across. The themes concentrated on many of Africa's problems, from Kenya's post-election violence to the colonial legacy.

The only spoiler on the night was created by an American teenager, who seemed like an escapee from every teen movie every made. My friend shushed her after she decided to screech about spilling her drink on her precious blouse while one of the poets performed. Cue catty remarks, much tossing of teased blonde hair and a cascade of dirty looks. She even forced her poor uncomfortable boyfriend to come over and ask for an apology. He clearly knew she was being a buffoon.

Some people should be locked up in the malls they clearly belong in.